Still many monies away from my circle punch. I figure even if I can only get half of what I need, I’ll be OK. It’s been two weeks and I’m getting desperate. I’m thinking of actually closing it and putting up something “fake”, like “Please Help Me Achieve a Religious Pilgramage to Greece!!” or something, cos you know, why should I be able to do my job when people have “pilgramages” to go on?
I won’t do that, especially not now, but it feels like I’m expected to just suffer in silence over this. I’m really flabbergasted that needing $300 for a couple of dildoes got people to donate almost instantly —in spite of everything that the TS/TG community believes that ostensibly cis-privileged people believe about trans people. But I’m trying to go back to earning my own money so that I don’t have to beg the polytheist community every single time I want a new book, or some fucking incense, or flats for a garden. Remember that I’m trying to build a garden? Yeah, nobody donated to the garden last year, either, so I gave up on a donations drive this year.
I hate begging, I genuinely hate it, but it’s something I’ve learned to do out of necessity. I’d like to not have to beg so much. I’d like my Deipnon meals for Hekate to be more than toast, because I can’t afford anything else. I’d like to go back to doing paintings of the Theoi because I’m no longer afraid I’ll run out of colours and be unable to get new ones. I’d like to actually have some barley to scatter at the Noumenia again. I’d like to make a Zeus Ktesios jar, which I’ve still yet to do after eighteen months in the new house. I’d like to be able to practise my religion without constantly begging for hand-outs, and if I could be able to make badges again, I can DO THAT.
When I was making badges, I could afford to do all that. Then my wrists got messed up. There’s not much other work I can do, for a lot of reasons. As extroverted as I am, workplaces and I never got along, I stress out too easily when I’m expected to hold to other people’s standards, and for most of my work experience, I’m too physically broken to do that anymore. I am too blind to drive. I just find it really weird that me being “sexy and exotic” is more important to people than me being “able to do the work [I] can do well”.